Wilderspool Causeway

The motto ‘Carthage Delenda Est’ should have told us all we needed to know about Rotherfield. Not being much of a Latin speaker, though, I was grateful to club historian Patton Cuddie who’d travelled down from Charlbury at an early hour to make preparatory notes over Lavazza Intenso in the foyer of the Goals Centre, Woodley.

‘Carthage must be destroyed’ he explained, happy that he was no longer the bar’s sole occupant. ‘That’s our philosophy: we hold and give, but do it at the right time. We can be slow or fast, but we will get to the line. I’m quoting John Barnes there, of course. In the final third, a Rotherfield side will try to punish you. In defence, we’ll close ranks.’

This was a cup game and we were two divisions below. Last season’s 7-7 draw against Hector, Horace, Auberon, Ernie and Stan would count for nothing. According to Cuddie, Rotherfield had strengthened in the summer window. They now had Ptolemy, Manfred and Helmut to draw upon too. Furthermore, they had a new management duo: Toland Waldeck from Cerne Abbas (former special adviser to the Bundestag on youth football in Dorset) and Ward Holstein, on sabbatical from the English School of Cologne.

In the warm up, they stroked the ball around with simplicity, at Ward’s behest, while we seemed distracted by textile impedimenta – the snoods, base layers, gloves and hats of darkening seasons. Rotherfield played nonchalantly, as if presented with a sub-eleven plus Maths problem, while we struggled not to clatter into the advertising boards. Before the first rotation, however, Wokingham had resisted them very well through the skill and force of Josh, Evan and Connor.

A watching Bracknell Town coach observed that Evan’s ‘a different player this season. Completely different.’ I wasn’t sure about the ‘completely’ part, but as other family members would testify, Evan now plays with total determination to win the ball, whether in the air or on the floor, with a valid tackle, arm tussle, studs-up lunge or any means necessary. He also hectors and harangues his own players to a point which borders on the extravagant; he’ll drag the goalkeeper to the near post or yell instructions from the sidelines. Last season, he played more like a young cross between Berbatov and McManaman. He would rarely, if ever, tackle or defend but was often deft and clinical in attack.

Perhaps his recent passion for defending is inspired by a topic he initiated early in the morning and returned to as his final question before walking to the pitch: ‘Dad, who were the most famous wrestlers of your time?’  was the first one. I struggled to think of any, but eventually popped out Hulk Hogan. Secondly, ‘When you were alive, dad, did The Rock used to say “wake up and smell what’s cooking?”‘ I’m not old enough for ‘old dad’ sentiments, surely, but such were his thoughts before the game.

After 10 minutes, it was level at 1-1. The aforementioned W&E trio were withdrawn by spreadsheet dictat and by 20 minutes, at half-time, we were 7-1 down and out of the cup.

With the hardcore from Wokingham and a bumper crew from Oxfordshire, there were almost as many spectators as it takes to compose one of Hillary Clinton’s tweets. It was getting stranger. Every time we attacked, a cry emerged from our Oxfordshire brethren: ‘Hannibal! Hannibal ad Portas! Hannibal!’ along with a stray ‘Helmut! Eingeschlossen! Einfall! Einfall!’ Normally a font of all knowledge, my friend Andrew looked quizzically at the opposition ranks. There was nothing for it but to search out Cuddie again. ‘Hannibal at the gates!  You Carthaginians will not prevail!’ I now felt sure they were a boarding school in disguise, and he was on the payroll. Fed up with being educated by someone in Jermyn Street weekend wear, I thought I’d look up the German later.

Elias asked if he and Thanasie could have a lift home. On the way back, there was much hilarity on the back seats. ‘Thanasie: you look that way and I’ll look that way.’

‘What are you doing, boys?’ enquired Elias.                                                                               ‘We’re looking for weird and unexpected things’ replied Evan, as he and Thanasie laughed at pretty much everything they saw and we pulled up alongside Winnersh’s electronic cigarette specialists ‘Berkshire Vapers.’