Wilderspool Causeway

The River Trent, the ‘mere of England that divides the north part from the south’, is a major river, ‘smug and silver’, running through arguably the most important place in the British Isles: Burton-on-Trent. The Emm Brook, by contrast, is a lethargic tributary of the Loddon, idling alongside the motorway with intensive behaviour support from Thames Water and council drainage manager Eddie Napper.

Given the gulf in class between the two water courses, I’m sure you’ll agree that the scale of defeat was commendably marginal. They are from the big leagues; we’re a tributary of a tributary.

As the morning progressed, the prospect of witnessing a Wokingham & Emmbrook win receded into the hazy distance. In fact, it had begun to seem impossible. Admittedly, the primary reason for this was that at the time of kick-off I was halfway to Ginster territory, cruising through Wiltshire on the westbound carriageway of the M4 to play for a place in the final of the FA People’s Cup.

Back in Woodley, Wokingham & Emmbrook started with footballing abandon, playing a high pressing game of power and panache, undermined on 6 minutes by the Royals’ number 24, bespectacled Charlie.

Two minutes later, Connor ripped apart the right flank with a truly damaging run before scoring a fortuitous equaliser on 11 minutes. Josh, playing like a goaded beast of the field, saw a shoe fly off as he hit the ball with extramundane venom, compromising health and safety protocol as he sent us into the break with a narrow lead.

Caversham approached the second half as if Neil Warnock had destroyed their changing room and sent them out with one last chance of a contract: one last chance at life. They powered forward as if the Trent had been re-routed through a tributary of the Thames, breaching our defences soon after the whistle with a goal, the nature of which I do not know.

Such was the relentless Caversham pressure, they soon scored again but it should be noted that the ref seemed to be in flagrant dereliction of duty as he neglected to force the Caversham players to retreat to the halfway line for our goal kicks.

The irrepressible Connor Mulvaney and co. wouldn’t capitulate to Caversham without a fight and drove forward with Evan in attendance, scoring to reduce the deficit to a single goal before Evan’s late attempt at an equaliser was saved by a goalkeeper of unknown appearance.

This was a great performance from the chaps and chapettes against one of the strongest footballing tides in the affairs of men, representing a fitting prelude to (the outrageously good) Mulvaney senior firing Wokingham District to the final of the FA People’s Cup on April 3oth.

P.S. When I asked Evan if he’d rather I watch his game or play football in Bristol, he said “Please play, dad. Then you won’t have to write one of those report things” (this was more about perceived Wifi/computer access issues than fear of the limelight, though.)

With thanks to Caroline Saynor and Andrew Parry