Wilderspool Causeway

The team are still trying to acclimatise to new, larger pitches which are in a sort of urban boondock between Wokingham Road and an indefinable building you could probably pop into for a bit of psychobabble or group therapy.

We had a wander around the building to locate some facilities, but even the steward directing us had no idea as to what it’s actually for. It has the clinical atmosphere of a hospital, but without any attempts to throw sterility into relief with the presence of an overpriced M&S outlet or an AMT.  Instead, it contains bewildering signs: ‘Intermediate Development Pathway Room’, ‘Dissociative Conversion Studio’, ‘Autologous Salvage Area.’

Instead of incremental progress, our coaches opted for a complete overhaul of formation and tactics after last week’s fiasco against Caversham Trents. Training almost contained Felix Magath levels of direct intervention, albeit without the application of cottage cheese to sore limbs.

Free flowing attacking football was to be sacrificed in favour of a Christmas Tree formation. Further research reveals that coaches Martyn and Paul had instigated Karl Rappan’s Verrou, an early form of Catenaccio, the ‘door bolt’, a defensive tactic which employs a free roaming defender to troubleshoot across the back line and initiate counter attacks. For most of the game, this role was the domain of top goalscorer and heartbeat of the team Callum Mulcahey, who also doubled up energetically as a mezzala (box-to-box midfielder.)

Evan played as a terzino fluidificante, or ‘wing back’, tackling and intercepting well before making probing runs down the wing; he also went close with two free-kicks, one of which hit the bar and one of which was saved to the keeper’s left. Kelly Bond played as an effective mediano, while Annabel Mulcahey was the left-sided fluidificante who also offered bullet throw-ins reminiscent of Rory Delap rather than the misdirected loops of other teammates. Mario Selley was brilliant as a seconda punta fantasista, making purposeful runs into the box to anticipate passes from either Mulcahey or Thanos Xenakis, a marcatore puro who roots out problems in the midfield with the vigilance of a sniffer dog at Schiphol airport.

As for Barton Rovers, quite who they were or where they came from was a mystery. Apparently they were Luton & District League Division Three champions in the 1947/48 season and won the South Midlands Floodlit Cup in 1989, but surely this was a different Barton Rovers? The first guy I asked seemed to have come down from the north to watch his nephew, and didn’t have much idea about the team. His brother, the boy’s father, was friendly enough but couldn’t offer much more than ‘they are a long established club.’

Whoever they are, a 5-0 win following a swiftly implemented tactical revolution showed fantastic versatility from the players. Is talk of a Summer League title challenge still slightly premature? Possibly, though I’m just about ready to admit last week’s score by revealing that after two games our goal difference is -15.