Twyford Comets 4 Wokingham & Emmbrook 0

The general synopsis at midday: hot. ‘Mercury is rising still – turn the fan on high…After wine and nectarines the fireflies in time move like syrup through the evening.’ Too hot for football, for sure, but tournaments are in the summer and teams enter, so there we were. First up were bad omens from Twyford. Perhaps they were buoyed by the recent example of local taliswoman Theresa May as she romped home by a margin of 26,000 votes in the recent election. Anyway, Twyford, beginning strong, prodded and probed down the left while we were variable, becoming poor at times, decreasing 4.

Eldon Celtic 2 Wokingham & Emmbrook 0

Just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse, out stepped Eldon Celtic, a feeder club for Reading FC Academy. They were head and shoulders above us, and their knees and toes were quicker too. To add insult to injury, I’m pretty sure the hefty central midfielder’s voice had broken. It was certainly too deep for comfort. According to Evan, ‘When we hurt them they had bad reactions, but they had beautiful shots. They didn’t just smash it – they placed it.’ We were in a dodgy weather window, but the soccer winds were veering.

AFC Caversham 0 Wokingham and Emmbrook 1 (Saynor)

Hopes of reaching the quarter final were falling rather quickly, with chances of progression locally poor. Visibility of the trophy was non-existent, but then came Caversham and a  revelation from the upper echelons of the league hierarchy that there are no harder teams in Berkshire than Eldon Celtic. AFC Caversham are a team which conjure only positive thoughts, in the cherry red of AFC Bournemouth, cheered on by a friendly and forward thinking group of philosophers from north of the river. The one thing I remember about the game was obviously its outstanding moment: ‘Someone passed to me down the line and I dribbled it then took a shot.’ He floated it into the top corner. Sea state moderate.

Reeves Rangers 0 Wokingham & Emmbrook 1 (Dance)

‘In the patent courts of nature all is but a vanity, and the metronome that defeats you is the monochrome that you see.’ No chance of that here, with our nemeses from Reeves Rangers decked out in revolting blue and white hoops, while we sported our usual vivid orange. The general situation was of increasingly high pressure, with visibility of the quarter finals improving slowly. In more than ten games against Reeves Rangers, we had failed to register a win, with a combination of shameless long ball tactics and an outstanding player or two reducing our passing football to the margins of relevance. This time, though, we were locally rough. In Evan’s words: ‘I fouled two people and the ref was awful. They played better but we still won. And their goalie was a bit – you know – big.’  Visibility: moderate to good, occasionally poor. We would have to beat club rivals Wokingham & Emmbrook Tigers to progress to the quarter final.

Wokingham & Emmbrook Tigers 0 Wokingham & Emmbrook Oranges 2 (Dance 2)

‘My friends were there. They thought they would win, but they didn’t. Eddie said “We’re going to thrash you”, but they didn’t.’  So there.

Despite an inauspicious start to the day, there was considerable change in wind direction across the path of the depression, becoming cyclonic. We were through to the knock-outs and, unfortunately, a case of catastrophic sun management. Between the games, it had been hard to keep the players hydrated and settled. Instead, they ran about with their tops off, plastered in Factor 50, kicking balls, climbing fences, eating sweets and running off with the Twyford lads through fields of wheat.

QF Rotherfield United 2 Wokingham & Emmbrook 0

When the quarter final finally arrived, progress to the pitch was glacial. They had to re-dress before redressing the footballing balance of the day. When Evan eventually got to the pitch, he looked  pained and off colour: ‘I don’t want to play. I can’t play.’ Unfortunately, we had no subs; they had been out in the punishing sun for four hours by this point and there was little we could do to set the mental, physical or tactical cogs in motion. It had ‘all gone to flitter shitter’, as they say in Northamptonshire. With the sea state rough again, we faced a Rotherfield team who, according to Evan ‘had very good tactics like as soon as they got the ball, they passed, ran into space, looked for space, passed the ball into space, then they shot and scored.’ Maybe Rotherfield were always in space because we could no longer move, but never mind: it had taken a heroic effort from the players not to collapse under the weight of the earlier defeats.

Unfortunately, though, we were soon to face the indignity of a major booking error, a second consecutive tournament in 30 degree heat. I can’t face getting the forensics out for that one; the brief summary of results below might explain why.

CSA ’07 Hawks 1 – 0 Wokingham & Emmbrook   Winnersh Rangers Barbarians 2 – 0 Wokingham & Emmbrook   Caversham Trents Royals 4 – 0 Wokingham & Emmbrook  Esher Wizards Whites 3 – 0 Wokingham & Emmbrook  Pirbright Premier Dragons 0 – 0 Wokingham & Emmbrook