Wilderspool Causeway

‘Reason I cancelled my trip to Woodley is that I’m not a big fan of the Obama administration allowing it to exist in an off location 4 miles from central Reading and contribute “peanuts” to our economy. Bad deal. Wanted me to lead the teams out – No!’ We had to invite Donald, though, because Evan’s sure there’s something underhand about Michael Wolff’s revelatory White House book and that it’s ‘undemocratic’ to allow a petition to affect his visit. It’s almost as if someone has bought Evan a subscription to a right of centre magazine for children which he loves reading every week.

Woodley United Cyclones. What a name and what a well turned-out team, resplendent in sky blue like Coventry City at their most stylish. Evan was due to play in goal and accepted the commission for the first time in about a year. It’s taken 3 years to recover from the debacle of Christmas 2014 when Aunt Marjorie and I independently bought him outsize goalie shirts, hers slightly too big but mine grossly so – to the extent that he only just fits into it and wore it today. It’s Gabor Kiraly era Fulham – Gabor Kiraly being the iconoclastic Hungarian who wears baggy grey tracksuit bottoms in goal and was signed by madman Felix ‘Cheese Rubber’ Magath.

In the warm up, Evan apparently pulled off a wonder save, diving up into the corner to tip the ball around the post – everyone was talking about it. In the game, though, he went for a difficult punch, flopped it and Woodley scored. Apparently this was very unlikely news. Fake news, even. They hadn’t scored for five weeks, according to one parent. Was this ‘strange news from another star’ – a miracle – or just randomly strange news like when you ask someone what happened to their unassuming son: ‘Oh, he’s at er, the…University of Strathclyde studying Equestrian Psychology. Or was it International Spa Management? It was joint honours, I think…’

Anyway, the pattern was that Wokingham & Emmbrook dominated possession and the chances, but couldn’t finish, whereas Woodley played economically, in straight lines across the Blockbusters grid rather than winding and meandering about. Actually it was more like Snakes and Ladders, but with fickle snakes. We went for the snakes, sometimes falling down them and sometimes climbing them to the next level, whereas Woodley played it straight, always going for the ladders but not always finding them.

In the second half, Evan was out of goal and situated at left back, nudging the ball around the defence and down the line, progressing into midfield as a catalyst for forward play, scoring one goal from close range and another direct from a corner after the keeper fumbled. Evan’s boots, though, were an ‘off’ colour – deep red rather than steely blue. As the half progressed, the Woodley players seemed to go down quite regularly with head injuries. Their excellent keeper hit the deck for a bit, as did a determined midfielder who was desperate to soldier on despite the manager’s beckonings from the touchline. He was not a happy bunny, reacting to the substitution like a Scot discovering that their cherished Irn-Bru recipe is soon to be tinkered with for good.

In some ways, we were lucky. Woodley were only a milliner’s yard away from succeeding at their more straightforward game, while our flair – always a double-edged sword – was eventually enough. The received wisdom is that ‘simple play’ is best. When I was younger, you kept the ball for more than two seconds and listened to the shrieks: ‘Get rid of it! Get out! Release! Don’t be selfish!’ It takes a long time for certain styles of play to ‘cross over’ from eccentricity to acceptability. Why is that? The same applies to the names of schools and institutions. Hawthorns, Chestnut, Willow, Acorn, Oak, Beech – fine. But why? Why not Pecan or Peanut, Seasoned Nuts Technical College, Cashew Nut Primary or Mixed Nuts Community College?