Wilderspool Causeway

Early season player guide: W&E Oranges have played 92 games since they started in 2015. The figure in brackets is the amount of goals each player has scored in that time.

Xanthoulis (14) Tough tackling, committed, enthusiastic, temperamental – works non-stop, occasionally lacks end product and positional sense but can be vital to the team.

Sexton (29) Migratory of mind. Capable of magic – best positioned to minimise collateral damage. All but uncoachable.

Mulvaney (151) Leitwolf, main man – captain, leader, legend etc. Phenomenal goalscoring record but sometimes struggles against the shackles of footballing norms: wants to be everywhere at once and sometimes seems to manage it.

Dance (34) Gymanastic & acrobatic – e.g. forward flip goal celebration – the ultimate utility player. Reliable in every position and sometimes spectacular. Scorer of a headed goal (v. rare at this age): great attitude; consistently watched by a large, Arsenal supporting family of the old school, dignified type. Wenger in.

Parry (40) An absolute warrior: give the nod and he’s the first one over the top – will run through the proverbial brick wall: excellent positional sense – perhaps not always the most technical (though the 40 goals didn’t come from nowhere) but definitely one of the most likeable: 100% reliable at all times – from a family of vegan FGR sympathisers.

Butler (3) Technically good, brave and a tough tackler. Enquiring, intelligent and will put new knowledge into practice asap, though a bit of take-up time is needed between theory and practice: loses confidence quickly and needs encouragement – scored the winner in the epic 7-6 derby win v Wokingham Rangers last season.

Ferguson (2) A relative newcomer, this boy is a fantastically original goalkeeper, opting to save more shots with his legs than his hands: unbelievably brave. He’ll stop shots you’ve already recorded as goals – where the HELL did that come from? The flipside is that he’ll occassionally give the ball away for no apparent reason and concede a goal – top man.

Harris (25 in 27) A very skilful and physically imposing striker whose goal ratio speaks for itself. He can score all types of goals – including set pieces – but you never quite know what you’re going to get from him: would argue in an empty room. A strangely ‘old school’ character: likes practical jokes and isn’t easily impressed – moans a lot. Likeable in spite of the above.

Saynor (55) Set piece specialist. Silky skills – can pick a pass. Composed on the ball and from withdrawn positions can catalyse offensive play. Historically involved in defensive mix ups but this is increasingly rare.

Caversham Trents 1 Wokingham & Emmbrook 1

There are times when you’re stranded in House of Fraser – literally or metaphorically – with each promise of an exit leading to more stairs, anterooms, split level flooring, views of loading bays and mezzanine emotions. Might as well vacantly browse the Ralph Lauren, Fred Perry and Lyle & Scott – find some purpose and direction. Is there life after death? Never mind that for now. People say you should concentrate on the present and think about the hereafter thereafter. It’s a bit like when footballers are asked about their England ambitions: ‘Well I’m just concentrating on doing my best for Everton/Leicester/Barnsley/O’Higgins FC (9th in the Chilean Primera Division btw) at the moment, taking each game as it comes’ is the stock answer. But what if you actually can’t stop thinking about the life hereafter? And what if you really are focused on your England chances? Perhaps a more relevant question is: ‘Is there life after breakfast?’ A singer from North London has concluded that, if possible, you should arise once more and face the daylight: ‘Don’t turn into a total embarrassment to your friends and family. Get out of bed, the whole day’s ahead so take the pills and drink your tea…put the kettle on son!’ Put the kettle on son.

Any phrase with ‘son’ at the end reminds me of a church trip to Rouen when Mike Shears appealed to the French winger on our team: ‘Sur la tete, sur la tete son.’ I remembering him clattering around our lounge for a bout of indoor football after a hard day at Hamptons Giddy & Giddy or wherever the *heck* he worked – public spirited, but what was he/we doing forming ecclesiological links with the French? Can’t knock it – you’ve got to forge connections and partnerships where you can.

Last week was a 6-1 defeat – the defence was utterly shambolic and the substitutions were unorthodox in the extreme. Connor was subbed off at half-time and our goalkeeper was asked to play centre-back in the second half.

This week, with the game finely balanced at 1-1 at half-time, we were faced with the problem of having to replace players who were functioning well. ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ is not a cliche you can apply to youth football. If it ain’t broke, fix it anyway. If it is broke, let it remain unfixed for a while. Everyone pays £170 per year to play and they demand equal game time. Coach Pete has to be a master of rotation and of the spreadsheet; Rafa Benitez crossed with a competent bursar. But he wasn’t sure what to do. He’d reprimanded Connor – his son – for ‘bombing on’ too much. In football parlance, this relates to an exlposion of pace, usually down the channels (flanks) of the pitch. The danger of ‘bombing on’ is that you leave a big gap behind you. My humble thought was that if Connor was pushed up to left midfield and Ciara was put in at left back, he could ‘bomb on’ all he liked, as long as he ‘bombed back’ to cover if necessary. We had worked hard in training on covering, attacking the ball, defensive shape, marking and staying goalside, but it’s true that Ciara sometimes lacks confidence. I remembered Chris Coleman, when Fulham were 4-0 down after 19 minutes at Old Trafford, walking to the touchline to talk a young Liam Rosenior through the rest of his match against Cristiano Ronaldo. With reminders and encourgement, Ciara could do it. In the event, she coped excellently at left-back and was instrumental, along with Evan and Jack, in screening out a formidable Caversham forward line.

Like a guild of German market towns, the players co-ordinated themselves to outwit and rebuff the threat from further north, leading Pete to conclude in the post-match debrief that the performance was ‘by far the best I’ve ever seen you play.’ Due to the quality of the opposition and the defensive resilience required, I would agree. The manager would have given the Player of the Match award to Evan for his composed defensive performance, but handed the responsibility to the parents this time. Elias Xanthoulis – top man – gave the award to Ozzy for some superb, match-rescuing saves including an outrageous stop with his legs off a near post strike which was definitely bound for goal.

So – sometimes regrettably and sometimes prompting relief – perhaps there are vestiges of life after breakfast after all. So, even if with reluctance: ‘put the kettle on mate!’ FFS.