Wilderspool Causeway

Huddled in the swirly-carpeted foyer of Woodley Goals Centre, we were introduced to a new concept: mid-season relegation. Apparently, it’s called ‘streamlining.’ As this was explained, the general decor reminded me of fruitless Stena Sealink trips to Boulogne and an encroaching sense of dread took me back to the ‘deck of infirmity’ of the Portsmouth to St. Malo crossing of ’99.

So as a result of ‘streamlining’, ‘restructuring’ and ‘appeasing the Knights of Malta’, we were scheduled to face the Caversham Arrows team who beat us 8-4 in the cup last week. Instead of a warm up, coaches Michael and Peter opted for a ‘stay warm’, enjoining the team not to take to Woodley’s bleak landscape until the very last minute in the hope that thawing out would not be the theme of the opening minutes. It was worth a try, but one player was late and started the game frozen in her beanie hat, allowing Caversham to score within 1.3 seconds of the game. They soon scored again and the pattern of general ineptitude punctuated by redundant flair looked set to culminate in another defeat.

Caversham crossed one of the bridges this morning with a sense of optimism tinged with a gentle bout of the Rumsfelds: they knew that they didn’t know how Wokingham would gift them them the game, but they knew that it would happen. We were left with a Scouse sense of community, Costa Coffee and a touch of the vapours. The parents of both sets of players stood throughout in atmosphere of brotherly love. Even the inevitable songs which ‘dig out’ the portly element of the crowd were characterised by a concern for public health rather than a need to ridicule:’You’ll have to cut back on the sweeties, YOU’VE GOT TYPE 2 DIABETES’ was one that stood out, a line taken from Gaz Brookfield’s ‘Diabetes Blues.’

Thankfully the madness was soon augmented by the force and passion of Connor Mulvaney, who pulled a goal back before being unceremoniously withdrawn from the game. Sensing blood, Caversham turned the screw but Evan and the defence coped brilliantly until an unstoppable shot made the score 3-1 to the Arrows at the break.

The beginning of the second half was delayed by Darth Vader. The ref blew his whistle and Coach Michael, in full on Scouse, shouted ‘Sorry ref, I shoulda seen tha’ and attempted to remove Evan’s Star Wars hoodie from him. This was difficult as Evan isn’t prone to the realisation that something is happening which has a direct and immediate relevance to him, and in standard fashion he didn’t really raise his arms or generally roll with Michael’s efforts to alter garment plans.

Eventually the game was under way again and with Connor now in goal, it was difficult to see how poacher Evan would get the service to score. Caversham didn’t really have a chance of beating Connor in goal, and when he was released the team were able to lay siege to the reds’ goal for the final 10 minutes. The Arrows defended stoutly, however, but just as there were audible murmurings among their parents about the ref needing to blow his whistle and Waitrose probably filling up by now, their whole deck of cards collapsed. Firstly, Connor lashed a corner across the face of the goal, causing the ball to deflect off a defender and hit the back of the net: 3-3. Then, the industrious and clever Jack Parry saw a shot canon off the underside of the crossbar and onto the line. We would definitely settle for a point now, but with almost the last kick of the game, Mulvaney broke free and thumped it into the corner for a win, sending the Wokingham and Emmbrook congregation into raptures:

EMMBROOK, AMORE, STORIA DI UN GRANDE AMORE
Emmbrook, tale of a great love
BIANCO CHE ABBRACCIA IL NERO
White that embraces the black
TORO CHI SI ALZA DAVVERO PER TE
Bull that really stands up for you
PORTACI DOVE VUOI
Take us wherever you want.