Wilderspool Causeway

A couple of years ago, Caversham’s intention was to ‘soften the streetscape’, to freshen up the village centre by throwing curveballs to the traffic. The Caversham and District Residents’ Association (CADRA) have looked to the work of Hans Monderman in Holland who has designed the town of Drachen to be unhelpful to motorists. Apparently, heightening uncertainty brings out drivers’ best manners and a sense of caution. If you minimise knowledge of whose right of way it is, reduce sightlines and hinder visibility then you encourage drivers to reach deep within and find their better selves: the people the good Lord made them to be. Pedestrian zones merge with the road, improving the public realm. Introduce a bit of chaos and the problem solving part of the mind kicks in to action.

‘Psychological traffic calming’: maybe it’s that sort of philosophy which guides the coaching of clubs like AFC Caversham and Wokingham & Emmbrook. Both clubs have a ‘DNA’ document which emphasises enjoyment, developing skill, time on the ball rather than a ‘get rid’ mentality, risk-taking, team work, the acceptability of mistakes, and the notion that making a good decision can lead to a negative outcome. The result is that players become comfortable on the ball, are not afraid to express themselves and eventually manage to outplay the long ball merchants or anyone who relies on a central bully.  Caversham take it a stage further; they want to see genuine cohesion and harmony within society. According to Point 4 of their constitution, they aim to ‘encourage friendship and comradeship amongst families associated with the club.’ Maybe they could help save relationships or tend to the wounds of the past, healing the environment. I’m sure they would agree with Damon Albarn’s words in Green Fields: ‘I was losing it all the time, but she stayed with me and found me out and above all else I’ve realised that it’s honesty that secures the bond in the heart.’

In their cherry red shirts, Caversham were as stylish and dignified as AFC Bournemouth from among the firs and pines.  They had a particularly effective deep-lying player who went by the name of ‘George’ and played a bit like Carlos Puyol, with luxuriant barnet to match. He was just slightly more cerebral than the average player, showing an understanding of when to arrive at a situation and when to let things run their course. This was a theme developed later in the day when a wiry boxing coach who looked like he had just emerged from a Jam concert he attended in 1981 decided to teach Evan a few moves and how to ‘discover your stance.’ As his loafer tassles flopped about, he explained that boxing is all about discipline and self-control rather than violence, equipping you with an awareness of when to step in and when to step back. Rather than attacking an inflatable Guinness promotion and thereby annoying the landlady of The Golden Lion, as he had been, Evan had a good old spar for 20 minutes and did indeed gain a bit of confidence. In the game earlier, he had to be withdrawn after 5 minutes due to breathing difficulties, returning for a second-half cameo in which he set up a consolation goal but struggled for breath.

On the motorway after the game, it was clear that his general enthusiasm and curiosity was unaffected: ‘Dad, where do you actually buy axes from?’ I wasn’t sure – garden centres? Homebase? But I did remember standing on a thinly populated platform at Earls Court station en route to Stamford Bridge with my sister and a man casually holding an axe alongside his paint-spattered tracksuit bottoms. I also remembered the rumour of a road leading out of Heston Services which acts  as a portal to another dimension, a more verdant outpost of metropolitan Middlesex and its humdrum notes of Calormen.

We couldn’t begrudge Caversham the victory, so well is it built on the footballing equivalents of floating foundations and masonry frost walls – it’s a kind of Arsenal of youth football, as are Wokingham & Emmbrook. We’ll stick to our principles no matter what, even if they sometimes fall short on a windy night in Stoke. I’m not sure it’s possible to bring about a better world in the South East of England where drivers make Cerys Matthews a perennial prophet, but don’t blame AFC Caversham or Matt Rodda MP if a revolution of kindness doesn’t quite happen in 2017.